Truth or Lies
Once again i step into this blog. Never i thought of coming back and post this. But...my heart tells me to..
I knew what i've become..a selfish, ignorance, deceitful, and irresponsible person. I've been hurt several times, yet i'm hurt now. Not physcially but rather , in heart of mine. I always lose my opportunities when i had one. And regretting now is not a solution. All these times, i've been called "kinna" (acting like child). Well, for me this isnt a common thing anymore. I've been used to it since secondary. But, do i really deserve the title? Or they purposely said tht to attract my attention. but i doubt tht.
i still remember i fall in love with a young girl. We both knew we like each other. However, due to frens gossip. We never be with together... and i does not hav the guts to stand up for her. And soon, some other better guy took the first action tht i should hav done earlier.. i lost her...
Thinking back of it, if i actually stood up to her, things would be different now. i knew tht it is my fault of letting her getting away from my arms. i regretted...and promised myself not to let any chance slip thru my hands anymore.
This i how i met my 1st gf. I dared myself, confessing to her about my feelings. And i succeed. Happiness does not stay long. Because of our difference in certain aspect, our parents rejected our union. i knew if we continue on, happiness would turn into nightmare. i did wat i could....to break up. Although our happiness last only 1 year. i nvr regret. Nvr ever. I knew its stupid, but i promised myself not to find any gf in 1 year duration. to show tht my love towards her is real.
But now, i started to ask why she accept me in the 1st place. i'm not smart. jz have sweet mouth. i'm skinny. looked as though i take drugs before. i'm not rich. and lots more. i should be glad tht i break up tht time. So tht she can find a better guy than the worthless me.
The bad news is...the same situation occurs. 4 girls, same course, same class. After 2 years of knowing each other, if i say i dun like any of them, its untrue. All 4 of them has places in my heart. I knew i'm a jerk. But this is the truth. Each of them has their own uniqueness and inner beauty.
1 of them is in a relation. I knew im not suppose to be the 3rd party. Hence, i treat her like my sis. well, i treat all 4 of them as my sis. However,i felt totally different when i knew 1 of them been in a relation for the past few days. my heart felt sorrow and uneasy. is this wat jealousy means... everytime i think of it, i began to regret and think of my mistakes in the past. i could have taken the opportunities whenever i had the chance. but i didnt... i laughed and joke about it everytime theres ppl brought up the topic. sometimes i even pretend to be blur.
the truth is..... i do wish tht i confronted her...hoping tht i will succeed. holding her hands and looking into her eyes as i did with my ex. But i din..... ppl thinks tht is becuz i still think about my ex cuz i store her photo in my wallet. frankly, i did tht to remind myself tht i dun not deserve any girl. I cant think of any criteria tht i have to let my girl proud of. I kept tht wallet to always tell me tht unless you change urself, you cant be with anyone. And i'm trying to change now despite ppl keep wondering y i trying to get fat etc...
I will not confront her till i had my ownself changed. i lost another again....i do hope tht she can wait, but i would be a selfish guy. I believe tht guy she with now can giv her things tht i dont hav. Shes in a better hand. Do hope i can forget this matter as quickly as possible.
I knew what i've become..a selfish, ignorance, deceitful, and irresponsible person. I've been hurt several times, yet i'm hurt now. Not physcially but rather , in heart of mine. I always lose my opportunities when i had one. And regretting now is not a solution. All these times, i've been called "kinna" (acting like child). Well, for me this isnt a common thing anymore. I've been used to it since secondary. But, do i really deserve the title? Or they purposely said tht to attract my attention. but i doubt tht.
i still remember i fall in love with a young girl. We both knew we like each other. However, due to frens gossip. We never be with together... and i does not hav the guts to stand up for her. And soon, some other better guy took the first action tht i should hav done earlier.. i lost her...
Thinking back of it, if i actually stood up to her, things would be different now. i knew tht it is my fault of letting her getting away from my arms. i regretted...and promised myself not to let any chance slip thru my hands anymore.
This i how i met my 1st gf. I dared myself, confessing to her about my feelings. And i succeed. Happiness does not stay long. Because of our difference in certain aspect, our parents rejected our union. i knew if we continue on, happiness would turn into nightmare. i did wat i could....to break up. Although our happiness last only 1 year. i nvr regret. Nvr ever. I knew its stupid, but i promised myself not to find any gf in 1 year duration. to show tht my love towards her is real.
But now, i started to ask why she accept me in the 1st place. i'm not smart. jz have sweet mouth. i'm skinny. looked as though i take drugs before. i'm not rich. and lots more. i should be glad tht i break up tht time. So tht she can find a better guy than the worthless me.
The bad news is...the same situation occurs. 4 girls, same course, same class. After 2 years of knowing each other, if i say i dun like any of them, its untrue. All 4 of them has places in my heart. I knew i'm a jerk. But this is the truth. Each of them has their own uniqueness and inner beauty.
1 of them is in a relation. I knew im not suppose to be the 3rd party. Hence, i treat her like my sis. well, i treat all 4 of them as my sis. However,i felt totally different when i knew 1 of them been in a relation for the past few days. my heart felt sorrow and uneasy. is this wat jealousy means... everytime i think of it, i began to regret and think of my mistakes in the past. i could have taken the opportunities whenever i had the chance. but i didnt... i laughed and joke about it everytime theres ppl brought up the topic. sometimes i even pretend to be blur.
the truth is..... i do wish tht i confronted her...hoping tht i will succeed. holding her hands and looking into her eyes as i did with my ex. But i din..... ppl thinks tht is becuz i still think about my ex cuz i store her photo in my wallet. frankly, i did tht to remind myself tht i dun not deserve any girl. I cant think of any criteria tht i have to let my girl proud of. I kept tht wallet to always tell me tht unless you change urself, you cant be with anyone. And i'm trying to change now despite ppl keep wondering y i trying to get fat etc...
I will not confront her till i had my ownself changed. i lost another again....i do hope tht she can wait, but i would be a selfish guy. I believe tht guy she with now can giv her things tht i dont hav. Shes in a better hand. Do hope i can forget this matter as quickly as possible.
posted by Tenshi at 3:23 AM
1 Comments:
u r not losing her. u r blessing her u noe? cuz u haven't understood urself. u want to change.how much you wan change? u have to set a standard, like wat we do in our presentation. standard is a criteria for performance. it's widely used, can say every aspect. so you set ur mind.hw muc u wan change?change to how? understand? again u r not deserved to accept 4. u bring not only unhappiness and oso hurt for others 3. now in 4 u have left 2, u either choose 1 in both, or both oso dun wan choose. being single is a nice thing. got time i share with you.ok?
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